Let's Distract Ourselves with Zillow!

I'M NOT STRESSED ARE YOU?

Hi there! Everything’s great, we’re all great, everything’s fantastic.

I think I broke my hand writing postcards this week, so that’s fun, and also apparently my watch does not like that my resting heart rate is up to 932 beats per minute?

Most of you know that I like to cruise Zillow like newly single dads like to cruise Tinder. I can’t afford any of these houses, and Ralph is definitely not ready to date again, let alone to date a 24-year-old law student, but it’s fun to pretend.

So let’s look at some amazing real estate with amazing decorating and feel even better about everything! Yay!

I love this extremely suggestive lip wall.

I love looking at people’s gorgeous walk-in closets, even when they have a minimalist aesthetic that somehow involves one fantastic purse and/or breastplate.

But I also love when you can look at the closet and absolutely understand that this woman is going to stand too close and talk too loud but offer you candy from her purse and vote for the right people but also maybe fall for internet scams? I love her. I’m going to name her Judy.

I love that there is not only a mirror on this ceiling, but also what seems to be a recording device above the very large TV. If these people invite you over for dinner, just be sure you know what you’re agreeing to.

I love that this is not even supposed to look like an altar, that’s just the way the curtains and windows are.

I love it when you go to someone’s home office for a business meeting and then up above the desk the guy has a nude painting of himself. Real power move.

I need some help with this one. Is this a reflection? A real tiny boar’s head mounted above the toothbrush shelf? Some kind of sick toothbrush holder? Anyway I love it.

I love that someone bought this hotel lobby bench, designed for people who don’t know each other and don’t want to converse, and put it in their living room.

And now it’s art project time! I love the, uh, ebullience here. I love how humiliated these two ancient Greek guys look.

More art projects! “Climb over it!” the wall enthuses, and I assume “it” means the couch because there’s a mad clown hiding back there with a knife. “Courage is doing what you’re afraid to do,” like telling your wife this decor is a really really bad idea. I love everything about this chaos.

I love this one so much. I love that it’s not even a cave, it’s just a part of what’s clearly a pretty open basement area, I love that his wife probably did this for his birthday, I love that she almost went with Live, Laugh, Love but made it a little more manly. I really really love that there’s a sewing machine in the corner. I hope it’s Stan’s. I can’t help editing, though, and suggesting that STAN CAVE would have been punchier. Call me next time before you do something like this.

I love that these people had room for an in-home movie theater but then they were like “But how can we make it extremely haunted?”

I love ALL the home movie theaters in these listings, partly because it’s fun to see what they put on the TV to give you the overall feel of the house. This one is exceptional.

I love that this real estate photographer just gave up on showing the room at all and was like “Here’s a whole vibe.”

I love that these crosses somehow look like they might electrocute you. It’s a nice reminder that a cross is an execution device, sort of like an electric chair. I love the use of this awkward top-of-stairs area as potential human sacrifice space.

I love EVERYTHING about this room. You want to see yourself reflected in blood red? You have choices! Ceiling! Piano! Shiny large ottoman! Everyone looks better in red light. I bet we’d all look AMAZING in this room.

I love it when a house comes with both emus AND donkeys. That’s so hard to find these days.

Hey, speaking of donkeys, here’s a link to donate to Act Blue if you, like me, are sitting around trying to control the election with your brain waves.