I’ve been saving you some Zillows from cursed houses around the country to make a giant summer Zillow post. Here they are!
If you’re wondering why I occasionally do this, you can read about it here.
Men, what have you done to yourselves? We live in an age of endless fashion options. You have largely controlled this world for all of recorded history. And this particular man appears to be quite well off. But every day he goes into his ridiculously spacious closet and selects a white oxford shirt. Does he just grab one at random? Does he notice subtle differences between shirts? What mood does he have to be in to reach for one slightly tinged with color rather than bleached completely white? Men, you’ve got a loneliness epidemic and this isn’t helping.
Welcome to our home! These are our children, Jacob and Emma. Please don’t let them out, they’ll just pester you for food.
This is actually an amazing feat. We have here a race car-themed bar, foosball, pool table, etc. and somehow it’s still the most boring room I’ve ever seen.
I’m sure this quote is meant to be profound or inspirational, but it just feels threatening in a 1984 kind of way. Let me crochet you into this chair and scan your brain for inappropriate thoughts. Don’t mind the creepy statue in the doorway.
Do you think they just sort of Febreze the walls twice a year?
Also, and this is very important, I need you to never ever, under any circumstance, light a cigarette in this room.
If each of your cars doesn’t have its own tiny chandelier I don’t think you can even call yourself an American.
I know he’s meant to be contemplating his naval conquests or something, but it looks like when you’re on the toilet and your cats won’t stop bothering you.
Speaking of cats. This is their room. This is their house. If you try to buy this house, you will be haunted by the cat ghosts.
I’m really jealous of in-home movie theaters. If I were lucky enough to have one, I would make the screen slightly bigger than your average flat-screen tv. But I do have to congratulate these people on clearly labeling the viewing area for the easily confused. Fantastic kerning, as well.
I’ve had this one in my Zillow file for like two years and I never include it because I have no idea what to say, or where in this photo to look, or what on earth is going on. I think I just need help from all of you. What is happening here??
I’m going to save you a lot of time, because this one took me about five minutes of staring into the neon void: It is a sink.
Honestly a pretty cool room aside from the self-indictment.
If you have nine beige children and they all need to eat their beige breakfast at the same time, boy do I have the perfect kitchen for you.
Demon cat jump-scare. Pay no attention to the bathtub full of blood.
Why, it’s…
Come sit in this fauvist chair and admire my golden abstract duck. We will look each other in the eye the entire time. I’d offer you tea, but there’s no room.
I feel about this the same way I feel about animal heads mounted on walls. They shot these books dead in a Barnes & Noble, brought them home, painted them, and mounted them as trophies. They’re going to hell for it.
Not that there’s such a thing as the BEST gold toilet, but I think we might have found the worst gold toilet. We’ve got the frigid marble, the inadequate cover, and best of all your leg will not fit between the toilet and the <oh, God> mirrored wall. Bonus points for zero storage space under the sink, and for a window low enough that someone can fully see in. Fancy!
Honestly, SO hard to know how to decorate your dome, but I think they nailed it with the two little couches. You wouldn’t want to go any bigger and dominate the space.
Your throne deserves a teeny tiny family crest. For classiness. Toilet paper located at an impossible angle because that’s for your servant to hand you.
Does life imitate art, or does art imitate the aftermath of the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre?
Three more really good* ones after the wall.
*You might not experience them as good, per se.
