The Top Twelve Taxidermy Rooms I've Found on Zillow

there's a lot of beige

When I was about four, I accompanied my parents and some family friends to a hotel dining room with deer heads on the wall. I was utterly terrified, but no one else seemed to care that we were supposed to eat our food under neath the GIANT SEVERED HEADS OF DEAD ANIMALS.

It makes even less sense to me now than it did then—plus I’ve learned that the people who engage in this kind of decor are usually, uh, not my kind of people. Plus they’re super into beige. Most likely, they are beige.

If you look in the wrong places on Zillow (very expensive houses in Oklahoma, for instance) you have to face a lot of the stuff. And I have seen some things. So (you’re welcome) here are the 12 best/worst taxidermy rooms I’ve found.

#12:

This highly typical office of doom. Note the horrifying array of animals (I think that’s a monkey, on the right?), the wolf just casually draped over the couch, and… the leopard tail covering the lamp chord?? I think??

But also note the extreme commitment to pine. The wonky sticks serving as balusters outside. The absolute lack of color.

#11:

So, there are the deer, there’s the bird, there’s the turkey going SPLAT right above the TV… But my favorite part is the bear that you don’t necessarily see at first. But it definitely sees you.

#10:

If you have limited space, such as above your kitchen cabinetry, you want to go with small animals, preferably including some actual rodents.

#9:

This is just an extraordinary way to guard your liquor.

#8:

Remember to drape your raccoons artfully but casually.

#7:

I think what I love most about this guest room is that when the hosts first show you in, the door blocks the view. Then they close the door, and you’re suddenly alone with a giant dead turkey.

#6:

I hate absolutely everything about this.

#5:

This one gets points for actually having some color, and for boasting the most hazardous coffee table I’ve ever seen.

#4:

This one gets worse the more you look at it…

…but I really need to talk about the lion that’s in its own nook, with… the gun that killed it? And a gazelle for a snack? And, if I’m not mistaken, a MAGAZINE RACK?

#3:

I love how the antlers on the floor really balance the antler light fixture, plus the floor antlers work as a coat rack for very small coats.

#2:

The first thing you need to know about this room is that it’s a basement, with a workout room through that open door on the right, and the workout room is also carpeted. The second thing you need to know is that now that the rest of the guests are gone, Marty would love to invite you down there to listen to him play some Billy Joel and drink this fantastic liquor he brought back from Denmark this spring. Ha ha, have you met Bruno, our lion? Go ahead, you can touch him!

#1:

This one takes first place just for sheer effort. For only $30,000,000, you, too, could live inside a knockoff Bass Pro Shop in Columbus, Indiana! (Apparently this one belongs to a race car driver who’s probably very famous if you’re into that stuff.)

My questions here are about the cleaning staff, and how much they’re paid to climb up those rocks once a month and get the dust off the murdered animals.

Thanks for bearing with me (pun not originally intended, but we are GOING with it)…

Back to more serious stuff soon.