Zillow Problems, Zillow Solutions

You've got problems, we've got... some pretty questionable rooms

Anyone who’s been following me for a while understands my Zillow obsession. Zillow is not only great for house-hunting and house-gawking; it’s also a source of inspiration for your decorating woes. Let’s solve all your decor problems!

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Problem: I want to incorporate more nature into my bathroom.

Solution: Have you considered that bacteria is the ultimate form of nature? Here’s a wall that can never be cleaned! If you can’t find a towel, you can just kind of rub your hands on it.

Problem: I want prospective buyers to understand that this house comes with the ghost of a young woman who was murdered on prom night in 1893. How do I get that across?

Solution: How about you BWHWHHA JESUS CHRIST okay

Problem: When I reenact the bathtub scene from Coming to America, I want it to feel more authentic. My current setup just isn’t selling it.

Solution: Subtle wildlife theme on floor, unsubtle corinthian column situation, potentially lethal step up, just add courtesans!

Problem: Speaking of dangerous steps up, I want a bedroom that is guaranteed to break my toes in the dark but that also reminds me of my own mortality but in like a classy way.

Solution: For maximum effect, make sure the bedside table is jutting out just two millimeters over the ledge.

Problem: We love both London and Texas, but there is no way to be in both at once, is there? IS THERE??

Solution: Have you NOT NOTICED that the flags are the same color, problem completely solved, here you go.

Problem: I want a bedroom that looks like I’m about to seduce you with some Kenny G. after our dinner at Olive Garden.

Solution: Make sure you practice tossing those decorative pillows to the floor real sexy-like.

Problem: When my grandkids come to visit, I cannot for the life of me remember their names.

Solution: Let’s roll with it. Just make sure your kids are done reproducing or we have to redo this whole thing.

Problem: Now that my grandkids are in college, they find this whole thing “dehumanizing,” and one of them (Mason?) insists on staying at the Comfort Inn.

Solution: Probably just sell the whole house.

Problem: People don’t grip my stairs in terror as they climb to the second floor.

Solution: Built-in acid trip!

Problem: My peacock stands out too much in my minimalist living room.

Solution: You can barely even FIND the peacock now!

Problem: My wine cellar is too boring.

Solution: Display two (2) bottles of your finest vino in a dedicated modern art wing. Efficient use of space AND probably some kind of weird tax write-off!

Problem: My guests always overstay their welcome.

Solution: We’re gonna make sure this thing ticks really loudly. We’re gonna blast the AC, too. Dinner is iceberg lettuce.

Problem: The ghosts keep messing up my covers.

Solution: Take away their pillows and accept basically any offer on this house immediately.

Problem: My wife won’t let me keep any of my amazing hunting trophies on the main floor.

Solution: Taxidermy Loft Jamboree, baby!!