A Questionable Vermont House Tour

Man, I love Zillow

I’m a part-time Vermonter, and you know what I love about browsing Vermont houses on Zillow? How simple Vermont is, how unostentatious. For instance, this $16 million home in Stowe, which I would gladly accept as a gift if someone wanted to buy it for me, despite the manmade lake. We can work with it. The architecture isn’t gaudy, the lines are nice…

Until we get to the GIANT METAL HEAD.

And whatever this thing is.

The decor is what I’d call “Creepy Chaotic Americana,” but with awkward floor vents.

Great thing about this bedroom, though, is the mice are scared away by the giant bird of prey and also by your patriotism.

The three-little-poofs motif continues throughout the house, including in this… plaid safari illuminated taco (?) room.

I want to believe this little dude is the conductor of that train, but I’m afraid he might be a confederate general.

Not gonna lie, though, I’m into the game room. The Simpsons pinball machine is one of the best because it has the little upstairs section with a couch. Hard to describe, but this is a great game.

The bear humping the post, though… I have questions about that.

And then, great news, you can do The Sound of Music, but the industrial version, with antlers!

And NOW, I need you to prepare yourselves for my favorite room.

It is the office.

We’re not going to talk about the bookshelves that weren’t meant to hold books.

We’re not even going to talk about that rug.

We’re going to talk about the coexistence of WINSTON CHURCHILL AND A SCULPTURE OF A DENIM BUTT.

Churchill was rarely seen in jorts, but when he was, wow. (That’s also him skiing, incidentally.)

And here are some nice trees and a nuclear blast.

We’ve got more Americana, the Eiffel Tower, and the cage where they put the infidels.

And now, I need help:

Is this… A huge room with normal sized cars? A normal room with tiny cars? Why are there tinier cars above the tiny cars? Do the tinier cars have even tinier cars inside them? Is there a fleet of child chauffeurs? Is this in fact the set of Richie Rich (1994)?

And then just when you’re pretty sure you know what size you are:

If you know the owner of this house please don’t show them this post. Please do steal me that butt statue, though. You can use one of the tiny getaway cars.